I Will Always Love You
by himymstuff
Summary: B&R fanfic from Robins POV. Barney is marrying another women, Summer, and Robin tries to cope. But when she hears those words "speak now or forever hold your peace" how will she respond? Rated M for mature content, language, and a possible sex scene
1. Chapter 1

**This chapter is short, I know. I just had the idea and had to write about it! I hope you all like it. Please leave a review to let me know what you think.**

I took in my surroundings; everything was so… so beautiful. So romantic, it made me want to cry. I felt my eyes beginning to water and used every ounce of willpower I had to stop the tears from rolling down my face. I couldn't believe I was here, after months upon months of dreading this moment, it was here, and it hurt. I hurt like nothing I have ever felt before. I thought the lead up had been painful, like millions of knives cutting deep scars into my heart, but this, my world shattered as I look up to the altar to see the man I loved. The man who used to love me, in his fine Italian suit, preparing himself for the same thing I was. For that moment when Summer would walk through those doors, in a beautiful white dress, smiling at the man she was about to marry, the same man that I loved. He would gaze into her eyes, and promise his love for her, that she would be the only women he loves. I couldn't take it anymore.

"Oh my god! Do you know what this means? You and I are going to have so much fun!" Lily's eyes were widening as she spoke to me. "We have got to go dress shopping, and-and shoes, ooh wouldn't it be so lovely if all three of us, you know you, me, and Summer, got our nails done before the wedding. I mean I suppose the other brides maids could come along too. Ah! This is SO exciting!"

" Um, yea. That sounds fun." Oh god, why did she have to be so excited, the last thing I wanted to talk about on my girl's night with Lily was Barney's wedding. The one topic that I've been avoiding in general, and she had to bring it up. "Look, Lily, I'm just, I'm not sure if I am going to go. There's just a lot going on right now, with work, and you know, stuff."

Lily's face turned sad, "b-but you have to go. I mean Barney's one of our best friends, and-and shopping. Why wouldn't you want to go?"

Why did I say that? Why did I say that? Ugh, I should have just changed the subject. Ok, it's not too late. Quick, think of something! "Umm, so how are things going with your job?"

"Robin, you've never asked me about my job before. And hey, I don't blame you. But, you still haven't answered my question!" Dammit, this was useless, nothing gets past Lily, she sees right though me. "Fine. You wanna know why I don't wanna go to Barney's wedding? I'll tell you. But you cannot under any circumstances tell Marshall, or Ted and especially Barney."

"My lips are zipped. Now tell me, tell me, TELL ME!" she hiccupped in the way she always does when she wants to know something, really, really bad.

"I'm," I sighed, this was harder than I thought, "I'm still in love with Barney."

That night, I got home, grabbed a bottle of scotch, placing it on the bedside table in my room, and snuggled underneath the covers. It was like the night when Barney had told us all the "good news", I didn't want to deal with Barney, or his perfect soon-to-be wife, Summer, or the fact that I hated myself for letting it come to this. I hated the fact that I lost him, and now I hated the fact that he was moving on, and I hated the fact that I will probably never be with him again. It was over, and he was proving it. I always thought Summer was just rebound, that Barney was using her to get over me, that it never meant anything, that in the end we'd get back together. Why did I have to be such an idiot. I grabbed the bottle of scotch, taking a swig. There, that should help. I stopped trying to be strong and let the tears flow, and before long my face was covered in them. I didn't wipe them away, I didn't try to stop them. I let them run down my face and neck, and before long the bottle was empty.

I woke up the next morning with my mascara smudged in almost every part of my face. Despite, having slept, my eyes still looked tired. When I went to the kitchen to pour a glass of water I heard my phone ringing from my bedroom. "Hello?" I answered tiredly.

"Hey Robin, you home?" It was Barney, and although his voice was masked with a false sense of confidence, he sounded like something was wrong.

"Yea, is everything ok?"

"I'm fine. Do you mind if I come over for a bit? I just want to talk." That was weird. Barney never asked permission to come over, he just did. And talking? I missed the old Barney, the Barney who always made me smile and laugh and was so confident and without worry. The Barney who made dirty jokes whenever the group was at the bar and was so strongly against marriage. The Barney who never would have gotten married, unless I was the bride.

"Yea, sure, I'll see you in a bit then."


	2. Chapter 2

I paced back and forth through my living room. Barney was the last person I wanted to see. Okay well maybe that was a big fat lie, but that's what I told myself. The truth was that I wanted to see him so badly, more than anything else, but I wanted to see a completely different Barney. The Barney who was far from married. The Barney who never came over "just to talk", no, I wanted the Barney who would be coming over to play battleship, or accept some crazy challenge, or watch a newly discovered Robin Sparkles video. That Barney was gone. Everything had changed.

My heart sank when I heard the knock on my door that I had been anticipating for ten minutes now.

Barney walked in without greeting me, looking down, and making his way over to the couch.

"Barney, what's going on?" I asked, not sure if I wanted to know the answer.

He looked up at me. "Why don't you tell me." I wasn't sure why I felt guilty, seeing him talk to me that way. Like I've done something wrong, fills me with automatic, un-called for guilt.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I said walking to the kitchen.

"Cut the crap, Robin. Lily told me." I turned around to see him staring coldly at me so close that I wasn't sure to be scared or aroused. "I can't believe you! You're in love with me? Robin, I thought we we're done with all of that. I thought that we could just be friends and forget our past."

"Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but unlike you my feelings don't just disappear overnight." I said as coldly as I could manage. I was actually pretty impressed with how well it came out.

"Overnight?" Now he was the one pacing. "You think that I got over you overnight?" He said turning to me, with finally what seemed to be something other than hatred. "Robin, you have no idea."

"You're right, I don't. I'm sorry that I picked Kevin. I did it because I was scared. I was scared of getting hurt by you. It was a mistake, I know that. It's just… I didn't love him like I loved you."

His face softened. "Robin, you know I could never hurt you." He said with more warmth than I'd seen in him in months, taking a step closer to me.

"You already have." I replied, trying to hide the tears that were beginning to surface. I ran out of my own apartment, through the hallway and into the rain. I didn't know where to go, what to do. So I just walked down the street, wondering how it came to this.

I didn't get very far before I felt a hand on my shoulder. My body was filled with warmth at the touch, which only meant one thing. It had to be Barney.

"Robin, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so upset. I didn't mean to hurt you." I spun around to face him, trying so hard not to get lost in those beautiful, blue eyes of his.

"It's fine. I'm fine."

"No, you're not. Come back inside. I need to make sure that you are okay."

"I told you, I'm okay. I'll go back, just, I don't want you to come with me."

"I'm not leaving you like this."

"Like what?"

"You've been crying, and if I left then…" his voice trailed off.

"Then what?" I said, starting to break down again. "What would happen?"

"I care about you, you're one of my best friends."

"Is that all?" When he said nothing, I repeated myself.

I took a step closer to him, so close that our bodies were almost touching. "Is that all that I am to you?"

And then he kissed me.


	3. Chapter 3

He pulled me in, holding me like he always used to. It was the most passionate, wonderful, kiss I'd had since I had been with him. Warm and gentle, yet there was a certain desperateness in it. We needed each other. The spark was there, it always had been, but nowadays it was more of a fire burning between us, that not even Summer could put out. It was him that broke the kiss after a few seconds.

"I can't." He said standing up. "I can't cheat on Summer, this is all wrong. I'm so sorry Robin. I just need to go, I just got to think over a few things." And with that he left.

For the next week or so, I did everything I could to avoid Barney. And I did a pretty good job, until one night. I had gone up to the roof, to get away from the group, who were down in the apartment talking about who knows what. Then I heard a voice coming from behind me, the voice of Barney.

"You little minx," he said, classic Barney, I thought. "I haven't seen you in ages! You don't know how many times I had to go looking for you and couldn't find you. You're never at home, or at McLaren's, I even checked the shooting range a couple of times. You're not answering your phone or any of my messages."

I turned around looking him straight in the eye. Those beautiful, blue eyes of his. "Well what did you expect? I didn't exactly want to see you after what happened."

He came toward me, "Robin, I'm as confused as you are, ok I love you, you know that, but I love Summer too. I'm marrying her. And I can't cheat, especially not with you. It would cheapen our relationship, and I love you too much to do that. Look, I can't keep doing this, Robin. I have to move on, I realize that now. What if we got back together? What would happen if we broke up again? What Summer and I have, its simple. It's easier this way."

"Well, it's not for me. Ok, none of this is!" I yelled, surprised by my own outburst. "If it's not gonna work out between us then me seeing you, you telling me that you love her, that you're marrying her? I don't need those kinds of reminders. It's great that you're moving on, now let me do the same thing." And then I left, because the last thing I wanted was to talk to Barney about how screwed up everything had become.

…

Ted had always been there for me, through thick and thin, good times and bad. And in times like these, he was exactly who I needed.

"What's happened to me? I used to be so strong, the old me would have never gotten this worked up over a guy, especially one like Barney Stinson."

"You're in love. It's a common condition that I have been through millions of times." This made me smile, Ted was always falling in love, and it was always something that had made me, and the rest of the group laugh, but now? Now, I understood.

"Why does it have to be Barney though? I mean of all guys, why did I have to fall for Barney Stinson?" I asked jokingly, although it was true.

"Beats me." Said Ted, "Although, I have to admit, you guys are kinda perfect for each other." I made a face, that was the last thing I would've expected Ted to say, well maybe not the last thing, but anyways, "Look, Robin." he said leaning in across the booth, " I've always looked at Marshall and Lily and thought they were the world's best couple, but then when you and Barney got together? For the longest time, the idea of Barney falling in love seemed like the last thing that could ever happen, but you changed that! You changed Barney. He gave up a lot of his, um, lifestyle, to be with you. And that, my friend, is true love." This made me smile. Ted always knew exactly what to say, yet at the same time, I could tell he was being 100% truthful with me. He meant every word of it. "All I know, is that Barney is lying. He's lying to you, he's lying to Summer, he's lying to all of us, and most importantly, he's lying to himself. He loves you, and whatever he's trying to accomplish by marrying Summer is just a distraction. He's taking the easy way out."

Ted was right. I knew he was. Barney did too. He just refused to admit it. After my outburst, I didn't see Barney for a while. The wedding was a month away, and I wasn't sure if I would make it. So, despite my trying to move on, I decided to do something I knew I'd regret. I went to his apartment. It was a bad idea. I knew that, but I had to see him. I couldn't help myself.

…

"Robin." Barney was surprised when he opened the door to see me standing there, not really knowing what to say. "I wasn't expecting to see you."

Suddenly it hit me. What was I doing? Why the hell did I come here? How is this supposed to help me get over him?

"I-I shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry. I'm just gonna go." I stammered, trying to stop my damn eyes from watering.

"Wait a second." His voice was warm and endearing, I couldn't help but smile. He took my hand and led me to an empty seat beside him on the couch. "I'm glad you're here. I haven't seen you for a while."

"Yeah, I've just sort of been freaking out about the wedding. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have lost my mind like that."

"It's okay, I haven't been all that calm either lately." He replied with a small smile.

"Dammit. How did things come to this? I mean, remember when we all first met? Everything was easy, simple. Okay maybe not that easy, but, it was a lot easier than it is now. How did things get so complicated? Barney, I want to be friends with you. I like being around you, I care about you. But, I can't deal with this. I don't want to see you marry her. And I don't wanna see how things play out after the wedding either. I just don't know what to do. You and Ted and Lily and Marshall. You're like my family. But I can't see you and Summer without wanting to cry. And I certainly can't bear seeing you two all the time for the rest of my life. That would kill me." Despite everything I tried to do to stop them, tears were rolling down my face.

It was all so ironic. It was Barney that was causing me to feel this way, yet he's the one I turn to to spill out my emotions. I've changed so much and I hate it. I used to be strong, independent, now I feel so helpless and pathetic, losing my mind over a guy.

"I'm so sorry." It was a real apology. A true, genuine, apology.

"I'm such a mess. I am so sorry I came here. I'll see you later." I didn't give him a chance to respond. I was out the door before he could take a single breath.


	4. Chapter 4

That night at MacLaren's, I did everything I could to try and keep my cool. It didn't help sitting awkwardly across from the happy couple. I put on a fake smile as soon as I sat down and have been trying not to lose it since. "That's great." I said as Summer chatted about the flower arrangements.

"I was thinking roses would look the best. They have just such a romantic feel to them. You know?"

"Just great." I said taking a suspiciously large sip of my drink. "So, so great. I'll get the next round." I practically jumped out of my seat, glad to finally have an excuse to stop listening to her talk. I stood by the booth and just for a second, locked eyes with Barney, who had just taken a quick glance in my direction. I couldn't do this anymore. And then I did what was probably the most spontaneous, dramatic thing I've ever done.

I hurried out of the bar and hailed a cab, trying to move as fast as possible so that by the time anybody noticed I'm gone, they won't have a chance at catching up. After a couple of minutes, my phone rang. It was Lily. I wanted to talk to her, but couldn't take the chance. She's with the group, I can't be in contact with any of them right now. So, I ignored her call, along with many more from various members of the group during my cab ride.

When I left the bar, I had no idea where I was going to go, but by the time I arrived at the airport, I knew. The last time I felt like this, I had gone to Argentina. Even though that was totally different. It was manageable. It was controlled. The feeling… it was much, much less than this, but it was the same. So that's where I was headed, to the sandy paradise of Argentina.

My plane ride there was un-productive. Usually, long flights like this would bore the crap out of me, but today, it wasn't so bad. It was nice to just sit and think and be comforted by the fact that every second of it was bringing me farther and farther away from the heartbreak of seeing them together.

Argentina was just like I remembered, the warm beaches, peaceful skies, but everything else in my life had changed. I didn't bother getting a hotel. I hadn't even brought anything with me. I went straight to the quietest beach I could find. I wasn't sure what I was doing here, but the truth was, I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to soak it all up and forget about what I had left behind. And that's exactly what I did.

I lay there for hours. Trying so hard not to think about Summer, or Barney, or the fact that their wedding was quickly approaching. Of course, that's all I thought about. Who was I kidding? Being in Argentina didn't change anything. I couldn't lie here forever. And Barney and Summer were still going to get married. All of that is still there, what difference does it make if I'm on the other side of the world?

My phone rang for what must have been the hundredth time since I left the bar. I looked down at it to see Barney's name on my screen. I decided to ignore the tiny voice inside of me that told me he's the last person I should be talking to and answered.

"Hey Barney."

"Hey? Robin, we've all been trying to reach you for hours. You just disappeared out of no where, we're all really worried. Yet, you say hey?"

"Sorry, I just… I needed to get out."

"Where are you? We've all checked everywhere. Your apartment, the shooting range, the Hoser hut…"

"I'm in Argentina."

"Robin, what the hell are you doing in Argentina?"

"I told you, I needed to get out."

"Get out of the bar maybe, but you left the country? You gotta come back to New York! You can't leave us all with no warning."

Can't leave us all with no warning. I wished I could quote that back to him… the way he left me without warning when he came to the bar one night with the "good news". The good news that broke my heart. And what warning did I get?

"I'm staying."

There was a pause, and he hung up.

…

I woke up the next morning on that same beach. I convinced myself to go get something to eat, even though I wasn't hungry. After that I decided to spend my day the same as the day before. I lay on the beach for hours, wondering how much longer I can do this. It didn't make the hurt go away. It didn't make me forget. It was just comforting being so far away from the source of it all. I closed my eyes and reminisced about when Barney and I were together. It seemed so long ago. It wasn't perfect, we were as messed up as a couple could possibly be, but it felt right. Being with him was the best thing I'd ever had and I had lost it.

I took a deep breath and re-opened my eyes to hear a far too familiar sound.

"Robin!" I sat up and turned around to see Barney, in a fine suit, standing across the beach looking at me. Instead of his usual flirtatious, confident, smirk he was seemed worried as hell, yet relieved.

"Barney, what the hell are you doing here? How did you even find me?" I yelled walking towards him.

"What the hell am I doing here? Robin, I came here looking for you."

"I told you, I'm fine." I lied.

"No, you're not. If you were fine you wouldn't be here."

"Seriously, how did you find me?"

"Please." He said as if I had asked about what he does for a living, which I still didn't know.

"The point is you need to come back to New York! We miss you. There's a flight back that leaves tomorrow and I want you to come back with me on it."

I sighed, knowing he wasn't going to take no for an answer. "Fine. I'll come back."

He smiled and hugged me. Which surprised me…. But at the same time, I really did miss him.

"So, where are you staying?" he asked pulling away.

"Actually, I've been sleeping on the beach." It sounded way more weird when I actually said it.

"You're not tonight… I'll get us a proper hotel." I smiled, and nodded.

…

When Barney said "Proper hotel" I figured you know, a hotel. Things changed when I stepped inside what was probably the nicest hotel in the country. It wasn't fancy exactly, it was just beautiful. The rooms had huge king-sized beds (two per room) and the walls were painted in a chocolate-y brown with cream swirls around the edges. Little glowing candles were placed here and there and next to long flowing curtains made of silk.

"I thought you deserved the best, since you've been sleeping on the ground."

I decided to skip over correcting him that it was only one night. "Thanks Barney." I smiled.

"Um, I know this has been rough for you and all…" Barney said sitting down on one of the beds, "but it would really mean a lot to me if you'd come to the wedding."

I nodded, "Okay, I'll be there, I promise." As much as I didn't want to go, I owed it to Barney. He flew all the way here to see me, and he's been so understanding while I've been having my tantrums. I sat down beside him. "I want to be with you so badly. I know you're getting married and I usually can't admit these things to myself let alone you… but there's no point lying. I made a huge mistake and I'm really sorry and I know this doesn't change anything, I just want you to know the truth." Sitting beside him was one of those things that I both loved and hated… having our thighs so close, barely touching, made me want him more than ever, and I hated wanting him. "You once said that we made a lot of sense… and I haven't stopped thinking about you and you haven't stopped thinking about me either. But despite all that you're happy, and I want you to be happy. Just know that I will always love you. That's not going to change, but I promise I'll keep my distance."

"I don't want you to keep your distance." He looked up at me. "Robin, you're my best friend. And I will always love you, maybe even more than I love Summer… When you chose Kevin, I understand why you did that, and it's the same reason I chose Summer."

"We should probably get some sleep, the flight leaves early tomorrow." I managed, wiping away a few of the tears that were streaming down my face.

"Yeah,your right. Well, goodnight."

"Goodnight," I said making my way over to the other bed.

That night when I closed my eyes I tried to picture what things would've been like if I'd had a little bit more courage. I should have broken up with Kevin that night. I wish I had, I'd give anything to go back in time, but I knew it didn't work that way. Sometimes we have to live with our mistakes.


	5. Chapter 5

_I stood at the edge of a building. Traffic rushed below, the air filled with white noise. Everything moved faster than normal, and here I stood. I was perfectly still, knowing that if I leaned even the slightest bit forward I would fall. And a part of me wanted to. Behind me, I could feel something. Half of it was pulling me away from the ledge, and the other half was daring me to close my eyes and jump. And things evened out, so that I couldn't move, I was trapped, still as a statue. There was nothing I could do. I just stood there. I stood there until I was woken by a warm hand on my shoulder, accompanied by a warm voice. _

That morning, Barney took me to a breakfast buffet next to a resort. The food was delicious, tables upon tables of every kind of breakfast food imaginable. I piled my plate with eggs, bacon, pancakes, fruit, and some sort of pastry that tasted a bit like a donut.

"So how are things going for the wedding?" I really didn't want to talk about the wedding, I can't believe I even brought it up, it was the last thing in the world I wanted to talk about.

"It's fine." He said, obviously knowing that I really didn't want him to go into any details.

"Great! Barney," I paused forcing a smile, "I'm really am happy for you. I know I've been… un-supportive and I know that's not fair to you. I'm your friend, and I am here to support you. I'm sorry about how I acted."

I could see that he was ready to go into a speech about how I didn't have to apologize, and I had the right to be upset, and that no matter what happens with him and Summer, he really does love me. Then he seemed to change his mind and offered me a simple "Thanks."

"So how's everyone else? Marshall and Lily and Ted?" I tried changing the subject.

"Worried about you mostly, to be honest, they don't exactly know I'm here."

"What?" Okay now I was confused… how could they not know Barney was here? I figured it was a group decision for him to come and talk to me. Although we never all talk about it, it's not exactly a secret about my feelings for Barney and my frustrations with the wedding. I guessed they would've decided to send him, since he's a big part of the cause for me being here.

"After I got your call, I went straight to the airport, I thought if I told them they'd try to stop me."

"Why would they do that?"

"Because they know about what's, you know, between us."

"Oh,"

"They would probably be worried that if I came here something would happen between you and me."

"Right." I could barely respond.

It was silent for a moment or two. I hated it, we couldn't just talk like we used to be able to. And a part of me new, we never would again. We couldn't ignore the obvious, he was getting married, and he knew what that did to me. We couldn't just pretend like there was nothing wrong. And yet that's exactly what we did.

We arrived back to New York, with only a short week left until the wedding. I thought, just maybe, I'd make it through, maybe I could hold it together. And I couldn't have been more wrong.

At first, I was much better, it was nice to see the group again, and even though the idea of attending Barney's wedding made me sick, for the first time since they announced it, I could breathe. Mostly since Summer had taken the day to run some last-minute errands for the big day, so I didn't have to see her.

Then, the next day, she came along with Barney to MacLaren's.

"Hey Robin, I haven't seen you for a couple of days. You alright?" She was being nice enough, but I could tell she really hoped my answer would be no. Apparently nobody told her about my little trip/meltdown.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine."

"Actually, Robin, I wanted to talk to you about something. Mind if I have a word with you in private." Oh god, what did she want? She quickly threw a small smile at the rest of the table "Girl stuff."

As soon as we were away from the group she turned off the fake smile and friendliness, obviously dropping the act. "What is going on?" She asked, her voice turned cold and dead serious.

"What are you talking about?" I knew what she was talking about of course, anybody could see that _something _that was between me and Barney, what I really wanted to know was what gave it away in particular for her.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You need to stay away from him. He's getting married, Robin, to me for fuck's sakes."

"There is _nothing_ going on between me and Barney! We're done. We're just friends, that's it." I did my best to cover up for myself, but I sucked at lying. So of course she didn't buy it.

Summer leaned in close, giving me a look that basically said she was going to kill me and said "Stay away from him." Through gritted teeth. So much for "girl-talk". When we got back to the booth I decided I couldn't stay here any longer. Our booth, the booth that me, and my four best friends in the world sat at every day for almost my entire time in this city, that booth was polluted by Summer. It would never be the same again. Plus she was looking at me like "Hey remember what I just said to you about backing off? Now would be a good time you bitch. Thanks." As much as I didn't want to give in, I gave in. I was too worn out to argue with her. So I went home.

The feeling of being able to finally breathe, the thought that maybe I was actually starting to move on, it was gone. Everything had changed. And every day the message that I would never be with Barney again became more and more clear. Not only had I lost the man I loved, but my best friend. And on top of that, I knew I wouldn't be able to stay apart of the group anymore. Not if Summer was there. I had lost everything. And nothing would ever be the same again.

I was in tears by the time I reached my apartment. I just stood there, unsure of which way to go. My hand was shaking, reaching out, and opening the cupboard door. In that moment, I just wanted to get away. Not to Argentina, because it'd been proven to me that problems are capable of following you to Argentina. No, there was only real escape, and I thought about how easy it'd be. I could just, leave. Never feel anything again, never hurt again, or have to deal with anything. Quick and easy. I wrapped my fingers around the bottle of pills, lifting it slowly and opening it. Closing my eyes. It would be over soon. And then, just when I thought I was ready to die, I couldn't. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I dropped the bottle and rushing for a piece of paper and a pen. There was one thing I still had to do.

_Dear Barney,_

_I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. When I see you with her I ache, when I think about never getting another shot at us, it hurts. I know this is'nt great timing, we never were though, were we? I'm sorry if I ruined what was supposed to be the happiest day of your life, I truly want what's best for you. unfortunately, watching you be happy with someone who isn't me has become unbearable. I don't want you to think you drove me to this, because that's the furthest thing from the truth. I will always love you._

_-Scherbatksy_

There. Now at least I'll have said goodbye. I put the note on the table and swallowed each and every one of the pills. Everything, my whole world faded away. And then everything went black.


	6. Chapter 6

My eyes opened slowly, I couldn't see much. Everything was blurred. All I could tell was that my surroundings were almost entirely white. After blinking a few times, things came more into focus. The room was plain, cold. And I was alone. There was a window to my right, with a lovely view of the vandalized side of a building. To my left, was a simple bedside table, with some flowers, and a note resting beside it. I didn't need to read it to know who it was from. It wasn't that I was expecting a note from him. It wasn't that it smelled like him or something silly. I just _knew. _

It wasn't some long declaration of love, it didn't look like it came from some romance novel. It really wasn't romantic to be honest. It was simple, and urgent.

Call me as soon as you read this.

Barney

Considering that I expected to have been dead at the moment, this shouldn't have hurt as much as it did. There was no, "I'm glad you're okay." Or "I was so worried about you". Although, after I thought about it for a few moments, I'm glad that neither of those things were in the note. Because I knew Barney, and if he had written that, it would've been pure bullshit. Not that he wouldn't be glad I was okay, or worried about me… but he knew me well enough to know that I wasn't okay (alive isn't the same as okay), and saying he was worried was all subtext. Telling me to call him right away, that's the same thing. So this note really did mean a lot. More than it should've.

My eyes danced around the room, searching frantically for my cell phone, but it was nowhere in sight. I doubt after being rushed here they were too worried about me having something to entertain myself with. So I waited for a nurse to come check up on me, and it took a while. It wasn't that long actually, but when you're staring at the ceiling, desperately waiting to speak with the one you love, the same very person who indirectly brought you here, time stops.

Finally a nurse, who said her name was Lillian, entered, shooting me a warm smile and asking how I felt. How I felt was a complicated question, a large part of me wanted to be dead. And then a small piece of me was glad I made it, because, like the piece of helpless shit I had become, I knew that I would get to hear his voice again.

And then more than anything, I just wanted to curl into the fetal position and cry until the pain stopped. The truth was, that the pain would never stop. It couldn't. It followed me and filled me. I couldn't escape it, it was just there, demanding to be felt. And I would feel it, I would feel it until he was mine. Something that only ever happened in my dreams.

So I responded the way I had come accustomed to responding to such a question, "I'm fine." I said with a fake smile. "I was just wondering, if anybody had brought my cellphone over to the hospital, or if there was one I could use. I need to make a call."

"Nobody brought over your phone, but there's one in the hallway… are you feeling well enough to go on your own?" she replied sweetly.

"I'm fine." I repeated, attempting to get onto my feet, but feeling quite shaky about it. "Thanks." I walked over, slowly, but steadily enough, reaching for the phone.

I punched in Barney's number. I knew it off by heart, even in the messed up state I was in at the moment, it was unforgettable to me. I waited anxiously for him to pick up, which happened almost right away, as if he had been waiting for my call.

"Robin. Oh my god Robin thank god." I could hear everything in his voice. The warmth it always had, the worry that all of my friends probably felt for me at the moment, the relief that I had bothered to call him.

"Hi." I responded, it was all I could bring myself to say. Of course there were millions of things I wanted to say, needed to say, but "hi" was all that came out.

Barney was breathless, he sounded close to tears, softened in a way he almost never was. "Robin, what… please…" he said, struggling with what to say to me, he sighed, "I'm sorry."

"It wasn't you're fault."

"But it was… _I'm _the one who did this to you. _I'm_ the one who made you feel this way."

I wanted to argue and protest. I wanted to make him feel like it wasn't about him, that he was, at no way the reason for this. The problem was that I'd be lying. He brought me here, not on purpose, not entirely knowingly, but he did. Yet it wasn't his fault I was here, he didn't shove those pills down my throat, I did.

"Barney, you didn't do this. I did this. I'm at fault. It was my own dumb move. You don't have to feel bad, I really don't want you to feel bad."

"I love you Robin. I know I shouldn't say that, I know what it does to you and I hate myself for that. I just can't lie. I love you so much it _hurts. _And it hurts to see you hurt…. I'm on my way to the hospital now. I need to see you."

He had hung up before I could respond. I needed to see him too. He was like air, and I was breathless. And deep down I knew that I shouldn't see him. I just couldn't help myself. I couldn't live without him, but he was slowly killing me.

Barney was at the hospital before I had a chance to summon enough strength to tell him this. And before I could even speak his arms were wrapped around me, "Thank god you're alive." He whispered, tears in his eyes.

I wanted to speak. I wanted to tell him how sorry and stupid I was and that it'll never happen again, to really convince him that it wasn't his fault. Instead I just hugged him, because I knew that he knew what I wanted to say. It was all understood.


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry my updates are so slow! I've had most of this written for a while but hadn't gotten around to the whole editing and posting part. I hope you all enjoy this chapter(: please review and let me know what you think. **

They let me go home soon after that, Lily, Marshall, and Ted had come to visit to, all of them in tears, attempting to comfort me. Not much happened that day, it was all sort of white noise, they were all sitting around me, doing anything and everything to make sure I was okay. I tuned them all out. I knew they wanted to help me and that was nice of them, but I needed to be alone right now. I knew they wouldn't leave me though, they obviously wouldn't trust me on my own at the moment. I didn't blame them.

Finally they allowed me to go to bed, of course, I was pretty sure they came in regularly to check on me. When I woke up I actually felt okay. I wasn't happy, I mean I was still dreading the wedding and everything, but I was more at peace. I was a weird thing to think after I tried to kill myself, but I felt like I was finally moving forward. I had had two meltdowns, and the need to have meltdowns was getting out of my system. I did my best to avoid my friends for the majority of the day. Sure, they just wanted to help me, I knew that, but compared to how I've been lately, I was honestly fine. Well, about as fine as one can be after an attempted suicide anyways.

It was around six when I finally decided to check my phone. There were a few texts from my friends "to see how I was doing" as if I was some sort of child being left home alone for the first time. Then one from Barney:

Hey Robin, are you free later to chat? Meet me at MacLaren's at 7.

Seven. Okay that gave me an hour. I hated how far away that felt.

I came to the bar looking, decent. Well that's how I _thought _I looked until I arrived. Barney looked amazing as always, suited up, gorgeous. I don't know how he managed it. I sat down at our booth, across from him, trying not to give away how much I not-so-secretly-at-this-point wanted him. "Hey" I said, catching my breath.

"How are you doing?" he asked warmly, putting his hand over mine.

"Fine. Great."

"Robin," he looked straight into my eyes, and I could tell that whatever he was about to tell me was hard. He looked uncertain. "When we knew you'd be okay, we all decided it might be easier for you if Summer and I eloped. I didn't want you to be pressured anymore to come to the wedding, so- so we got married."

My heart stopped. That was it. Barney was married. It was over. "You-you're married?" I had to use every bit of strength I had to hold back the tears that had become more and more common lately. I used to be able to ignore my emotions, to hide them. I missed that, I hated being so weak.

He didn't say anything, or nod, he just looked at me and I knew his answer was yes. "When did it happen?" I asked, trying to keep my cool.

"This morning." So that explained why they all stayed off my back today, they were at his wedding. "Robin, I know this is hard, and a lot to take in, and I hate to ask anything of you right now, but do you think we'll be able to stay friends?"

"Of course." I responded quicker than I should've, "Congratulations! I'm really happy for you."

He stood up and grabbed my hand, walking me out, and right in that moment there was this understanding between us. The way I looked at him, the way he looked at me, longing, desire, love, chemistry, everything. The understanding was the no matter what was going on, he would always love me and I would always love him. Nothing could change that, we both knew it. Yet we continued to go our separate ways. And that was it, we both just went home.

I didn't sleep that night. All I could think was _Barney was married._ It all just happened, just like that. Everything I'd been dreading was just sort of thrown in my face. I was faced with a million questions. A million questions that could basically be summarized into two words… **now what**? What was I supposed to even do at this point? Even though he closed the door what feels like a lifetime before tonight, this meant that it was truly locked, forever. I repeated it over and over in my head, trying to make it seem more real. Because that's how it was supposed to feel, real, but something was off, a part of me had trouble believing that Barney Stinson was married. Maybe it was because I spent so much of my time subconsciencely convincing myself that he was still mine. My friend, my wingman, my soul-mate…

The next day I decided to go to the shooting range, blow off some steam. It felt good to pull that trigger, watch the bullets chase the targets… just like old times, and then it hit me. I remember being here, about 3 years ago, when Barney was taking that Anita girl on a "super date". I remember feeling like absolutely nothing, less than nothing. A number. After I'd been absolutely devastated after our break up, he was back to normal immediately. It was similar to how I felt now. I wasn't a number, I knew he cared about me, loved me even. But I wasn't his first choice, he got married without any second thoughts to someone else. Who knew that coming to the spot that usually made me feel better could cause me to feel a million times worse? So much for getting him off my mind.

I was interrupted by a text from Lily, asking me to meet her at MacLaren's for a drink. I agreed, I missed my girl's nights with Lily. Maybe she could distract me for a few hours. If she couldn't, the alcohol should do the trick.

I decided I may as well look smokin', sure it was just drinks with Lily, but hey who knows? Barney's married now, I'm single, there's no rule that says I can't get some good, post shit-the-man-I-love-is-married-and-I'm-alone sex. I applied some makeup, and found a nice, low-cut dress to wear. Perfect, and if Barney happened to be there, at least this would prove that I'd moved on, or make him jealous. Either way works.

I arrived at the bar around the same time as Lily. We claimed our booth and I ordered a scotch-and-soda, and had to spend five minutes talking Lily out of getting a martini. It felt just like old times. At least that's how it started. We both drank quite a lot, something we both stressed when telling the story to the group later on, and Lily, especially when drunk, has a tendency to spill secrets, which is exactly what she did.

To be fair, I was the one who brought it up.

"So not that I care, because I totally don't care or anything, but how was Barney's wedding?"

And it shows exactly how intoxicated I was that I actually decided to raise this topic.

Lily's face suddenly turned red, her eyes wandering everywhere in the room except me. "Great! It went great! Oh my god by the way I forgot to mention how much I love your dress Robin, where'd you get it?"

I sobered up almost immediately, "Lily. What's going on?".

"Ugh fine. I'll tell you. Look, Robin, we did this to help you okay, we all just wanted to protect you after what happened!"

"Spill it Lil!"

"Barney isn't married! The wedding wasn't move, we just thought it would be better for you if you thought it happened so you wouldn't feel pressured into coming!"

So everything I was finally starting to come to terms to was just a lie to _protect _me. I knew that was their intention. And believe me, I was grateful that my friends were trying to help me, but as crazy as I may have been, I'm not a child. I don't need lies to protect me. In that moment though, I was nothing but confused. It's like when you learn a valuable life lesson, and five minutes later you learn the exact opposite one. I had a lot of questions I needed to ask myself now, like if I would actually go to the wedding or not, but I was too tired and too shocked and too drunk to even bother thinking about it right now.

So I responded with the only possible response that I could put into words at the moment,

"I think I need to go, sleep it off."

I walked off, trying not to look back. I wasn't mad at Lily, or anybody, but I couldn't deal with this right now, it was too damn complicated. And as if on cue, Barney walked in at that exact moment, looking like his usual self, until he saw me, "Hey Robin, you okay?" Great, so now I was positive that my stress and confusion and everything I tried so hard to hide showed right through.

"Yeah, rough night."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. It's nothing."


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry this chapter is so short. It is sort of a filler I suppose… but I needed something to connect between the last chapter and the actual wedding. I promise the next chapter WILL be the wedding though. **

He looked straight into my eyes, both tearing me even further apart and holding me together at the same time. Right then, I just wanted to wrap my arms around him and never let go. I knew that a single touch from him would kill me, yet I couldn't survive without it. I walked off, trying not to look back.

And here I was again. I was so sick of the mixed signals. First I had to deal with him being married, now I have to deal with the fact it was a lie, soon I'd have to deal with him actually getting married. I could just see this door, that had been open, ever so slightly, and then just slammed shut in my face. And then being locked, unlocked, locked again. It was torture. I just wanted some emotional stability if anything. Even if I was going to be depressed, why couldn't I just be depressed, instead of clinging on to some fantasy that'd never come true. I was sick of the stupid roller coaster he'd put me on.

On top of that, there was a pretty big question that seemed to be constantly polluting my thoughts, was I going to go to the wedding? It'd been a big question for a while now. And I kept thinking "yes, yes I will because he is my friend" and then having these huge meltdowns. Who knew what would happen if I thought it again? Well, I did think it again. So I guess I'll just have to find out.

The wedding was tomorrow, I debated buying a new dress, I knew whatever I wore would just turn into some haunted reminder. I picked a fairly simple red one, elegant and sexy. If I was gonna go watch the love of my life get married I may as well look good. I decided to spend the rest of my day watching some TV, it was a good enough distraction. I kept telling myself that sleep was the best thing for me, since consciousness had become quite a pain these days. Then again, deep down I knew that the sooner I feel asleep the sooner it would all come. Sleep is like a time machine in a way, it makes time fly at an impossible speed, or so it feels like. It's almost like fast-forwarding to the next day. I wasn't ready for that.

I eventually slept, only to awake with what felt like a million stones in the pockets that I didn't even have. I barely ate anything for breakfast, I forced myself to eat some yogurt and lay back down on the couch, taking deep breaths, trying desperately to prepare myself for something I was sure would finally kill me. There was only a few hours left. It was both too soon and too far away. The wait would hurt, but at the same time, knowing it'd be far less painful then the wedding itself, I wanted it to last forever. I knew how I'd spend the next few hours, drinking just enough to cover most of the pain, but not enough to become actually drunk. I couldn't show up to my best friend's wedding and not be able to stand, but there was no way in hell I'd get through it without a few drinks.

My friends were all rushing around, trying to prepare for what they thought was going to be the best day ever. I didn't bother helping, it was hard enough to go to the wedding, let alone be a part of getting everything ready. I knew how busy they all were, which is why I was surprised and even more thankful when Lily called me.

"Hey Lil. How is everything?"

"Well, that's why I called you… Are you doing okay? Do you want me to come over? Robin, you know we will all understand if you don't want to go."

"I'm fine! You guys need to stop worrying about me!"

"You know why we can't do that. This whole thing has been so hard on you, we don't want you to feel that you owe it to any of us to come."

I sighed, I couldn't lie. Lily knew when I did, she saw through me almost as well as Barney. "Yes, it's been hard, but Barney's still my friend and friends don't miss each other's weddings."

"He's also your ex. And ex's being at each other's weddings doesn't always end so well."

"This is different."

"It's not different… Look, all I'm saying is if you don't want to come, it's okay. We all just want you to be okay."

I sighed. I knew that Barney would in all honesty be okay with me not going, he understood. But a few years down the road, I want him to look back on this day and have had all of his friends there with him. I knew I had to put myself aside and be there for him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Well here is at least the start of the wedding... in case it's confusing it DOES switch between their POVs. I know I haven't done this for the rest of the fic but I wanted to show both of their thoughts and perspectives for this part. I hope you enjoy!**

I sat in the dressing room alone, still trying to choose a tie. The wedding, my wedding, was only an hour away and I still couldn't make up my mind. It was more than jitters, I was confused. Was this the tie I really wanted? I knew deep down that I would be happier if I wore the other tie. It was laying on the chair and I thought about how great I'd look with it. How much I loved that tie. It was the tie that Robin bought me when we were dating, and it always reminded me of her. I couldn't wear it of course, not to my wedding to Summer, who I loved. I did love her too. And the last thing I needed out there was to be wearing a tie that still sort of smelled like Robin. That would just complicate things, which was what I was trying my best to avoid.

I laughed a little at that last thought, because I was doing a terrible job of it.

So, I wore the other tie, it didn't feel right, but I had made my choice and there was no going back. I paced the room, trying desperately not to think about Robin. I was far too aware of the note she'd left for me which was still folded up in my shirt pocket. I'd kept it with me since the day I found it, re-read it more than I should have. I thought that maybe I shouldn't have it with me for the wedding, but I couldn't bring myself to leave it here, or anywhere. I resisted the urge to read it for what must have been the hundredth time.

…

I took in my surroundings; everything was so… so beautiful. So romantic, it made me want to cry. I felt my eyes beginning to water and used every ounce of willpower I had to stop the tears from rolling down my face. I couldn't believe I was here, after months upon months of dreading this moment, it was here, and it hurt. I hurt like nothing I have ever felt before. I thought the lead up had been painful, like millions of knives cutting deep scars into my heart, but this, my world shattered as I look up to the altar to see the man I loved. The man who used to love me, in his fine Italian suit, preparing himself for the same thing I was. For that moment when Summer would walk through those doors, in a beautiful white dress, smiling at the man she was about to marry, the same man that I loved. He would gaze into her eyes, and promise his love for her, that she would be the only women he loves. I couldn't take it anymore.

…

This was it. Everyone in the room was anticipating the same thing, their eyes glued on the entrance, where Summer would walk down the aisle in a beautiful dress. My eyes however were frantically scanning the room, looking for Robin. I spotted her near the front, sitting alone. She looked beautiful, her hair framed her face, falling in shiny chocolate-coloured curls. Her skin was so radiant she looked like an angel. Her dress was perfect, it clung to her in a way that was sexy, but not slutty, it somehow found a way to make her body even more magnificent, something I didn't believe to be possible. And even from this distance I could see her eyes, tearstained, and filled with the colour of the ocean itself. The same eyes I fell for.

The door opened and Summer emerged, looking quite stunning. I watched her walk towards me, still taking small glimpses here and there over at Robin. I couldn't resist. That's when I realized something, Summer was gorgeous. I was extremely lucky to have her, but even after hours of being perfected with makeup and hair stylists she was still not as beautiful as Robin was in my eyes. Robin wasn't perfect, but it was her imperfections that made her so incredible. I loved her for everything that she was, a mess at times, but the most amazing mess I'd ever layed eyes upon.

Summer arrived at the aisle, and I used every bit of willpower I had to tear my eyes away from Robin. In a way, I sort of blanked out, every sound around me was blurred together and felt distant. I thought about Robin and everything we'd been through together, how much she meant to me, the terrifying fact that I'd literally do anything for her. And then I looked back at her, I noticed her face. Robin was amazing at hiding her emotions, but not from me. Only a small glance at her face and I knew. Her face was incredible that way, she was never a touchy-feely-talk-about-your-emotions type, and her face said all the things she was too afraid to. Puffy cheeks, smudged mascara, slightly red nose... whether or not anyone else saw it, I could tell she'd been crying.

I can't believe how long it took me to realize how big a mistake I was making. I was simultaneously hurting Robin, the love of my life, and lying to everyone around me, all because I was so damn afraid of being with someone I loved. Love is scary, it means giving your heart to someone and with it the ability to tear it to shreds. You let someone fill your world and be your other half and if you lose them you become empty and incomplete. Love means taking a risk, but the truth is you don't have any say in the matter. I never chose to love Robin, and getting married won't make me stop loving her. Nothing will.

"Does anyone have any reasons why these two should not get married?"

A million reasons bounced through my head. What the fuck was I doing?

"Speak now, or forever hold your peace."

…

This was my last chance. I looked at Barney, trying my best to hold back millions of words, millions of reasons why they shouldn't get married. I'm a mess and I don't know how to deal with my emotions, all I know is that I love him. I could never admit it before but it's the most true thing that's ever gone through my head. And I loved him more than I believed possible. I just couldn't shake this feeling that we belonged together. I wanted to stand up and say that more than anything, but I loved him too much. I remembered what Ted said a long time ago, "Sometimes if you love someone you should want them to be happy, even if you end up getting left out." He was right, I wanted to be with Barney more than anything but I couldn't do this to him. I had my chance, and I blew it.

In my life I'd had a couple of moments that had truly lasted a lifetime, but this one, this silence lasted a million. I knew this was it, I tried to let go.

"I have a reason." It was Barney's voice that broke the silence.


End file.
